Doxy Doxy go awaayyyy

So due to Lyme hands i accidentally deleted this post after i wrote the whole thing out on my phone.. so if i seem scattered or a bit ragey thats why.

So the past few weeks i have been on doxy and prior to being on medication for Lyme, i was truly optimistic about the process. I read a few books, watched a documentary, talked to my primary care and got a specialist appointment for after i finished up with three weeks of doxy. 

Now sadly the more i take the meds the more sick i become. My body is constantly lashing out at me in new and "interesting" ways. For once that word is not a good thing. I would kill to be nothing more than boring to doctors for once. As we speak my hands feel like they are that of an 80 year old. I feel like my joints are seizing up as i type. Joint stiffness and pain, muscle aches and pains, muscle fatigue, mental fatigue, brain fog, memory loss, migraines, light sensitivity, hypersensitivity to touch etc. I know there are more but i honestly can't remember. 

Having a chronic illness it takes a huge toll on you mentally, physically and emotionally. As i said i went into this whole process all bright eyed and now that i see what my life is slowly becoming i am not so optimistic  I have spoken with numerous people who's story start out similar to mine and lead down a bleak path. 

Pale is in now right? Vitamin deficiency for the win

I already feel isolated because the constant need to explain myself as to why i don't have the energy to do certain things or why i can't go out drinking. Recently with the heart episodes i'm afraid to drive. Rightfully so i could never forgive myself if i were to have one behind the wheel of a car and crash. With the hypersensitivity to lights as well it makes night driving a terror so i avoid it altogether. In doing so it seems that i have lost contact with a few people i thought were friends. People not understanding that i can't simply "drive on over" or "go out for a drink". 

Too tired and weak to stand so this is what i do at parties..

As to my other friends who i hear trying to downplay my illness or play it off as if this is somehow something i chose for myself thats not how a friend should act. I am hurt to hear that you find this somehow amusing to you that "i'm always sick". Believe it or not i'm not having a blast over here and honestly i'm not thrilled that i feel the need to "defend" my illness as if i need to prove how sick i am to you or something?

I feel as if i am a constant burden to my friends and that i'm slowing them down from how they want to live their life. 

I simply don't fit.

I didn't chose to have this. 

I miss going out with friends and staying up late.

I miss tequila, cake, or anything with sugar or gluten.

I miss having the energy to go to the gym.

I miss being in the woods.

I miss hiking.

The things that seem to keep me the most sane are the things that right now can hurt me the most. 

I'm tired physically and emotionally. I'm depressed and i feel more alone than ever.

This fucking sucks.

Not so Happy Birthday to Me :(

Hello everyone! First off today is my birthday and i wish i had better news to share about whats been going on. I wish i could say that i haven't been writing was because i've been so busy being happy and healthy elsewhere but sadly that is not the truth. 

All my AIP/Paleo peeps can feel me on this one..

The past couple months i have been getting worse. I gained a few pounds (165 to 168) and my health seems to be drastically declining. My sleeping patterns have become really erratic or non existent. My adrenal glands are way overactive and stressed and my thyroid is being lethargic. My sugar levels have been insanely low, along with my magnesium, calcium, iron and zinc all being in a funk. She also thinks that i may have a gene mutation called MTHFR (Methylenetetrahydrofolate Reductase) that would account for my thyroid being funky and having serious adrenal gland issues. I have been to two of my doctors over the past week and lets just say i'm tired of hearing bad news. I was in such a good mood for a long time. Happy with the insane progress i have made and the changes seemed to really be paying off in all aspects of my life.  

About three weeks ago i started to notice my sleep was getting really bad. I was consistently waking up late for work and it was clearly impacting my energy levels throughout the day when i was sleeping a shoddy four hours a night (more if i was lucky). I was going to the gym every day after work after working 12 hours three days a week and two four hour days. I feel like any time i find things start to go well my body has other plans. Can we all remember that like two seconds i had abs? That was pretty cool..

The apple cider vinegar that i was taking (which is UH-mazing for de-bloating) was now giving me sever migraines  I am now on all sorts of new medications! YAY. (i will post names and pictures later i just don't have them on me right now). Lastly i have upped my medications for the enzymes and probiotics to double aka (3 or 4 pills of enzymes every time i eat-depending on how heavy or large my meal is; 1/2 tsp probiotics twice a day).

So now here i am. On my 22nd birthday, slowly slipping back from all the progress i worked so hard for. So forgive me for bitching a bit because i am pissed. It has taken me a very long time to "come to terms" with the fact that my body does whatever it wants, whenever it wants without consulting me...and it sucks. So i'm a little bitter and pissed off today. And god forbid i actually would be able to drown my sorrows in some german chocolate cake or half baked froyo because we all know that would end in me rolling around on the ground swearing and crying.

Thank you Leaky Gut for proving that i am your bitch.

Happy birthday right?