Doxy Doxy go awaayyyy

So due to Lyme hands i accidentally deleted this post after i wrote the whole thing out on my phone.. so if i seem scattered or a bit ragey thats why.

So the past few weeks i have been on doxy and prior to being on medication for Lyme, i was truly optimistic about the process. I read a few books, watched a documentary, talked to my primary care and got a specialist appointment for after i finished up with three weeks of doxy. 

Now sadly the more i take the meds the more sick i become. My body is constantly lashing out at me in new and "interesting" ways. For once that word is not a good thing. I would kill to be nothing more than boring to doctors for once. As we speak my hands feel like they are that of an 80 year old. I feel like my joints are seizing up as i type. Joint stiffness and pain, muscle aches and pains, muscle fatigue, mental fatigue, brain fog, memory loss, migraines, light sensitivity, hypersensitivity to touch etc. I know there are more but i honestly can't remember. 

Having a chronic illness it takes a huge toll on you mentally, physically and emotionally. As i said i went into this whole process all bright eyed and now that i see what my life is slowly becoming i am not so optimistic  I have spoken with numerous people who's story start out similar to mine and lead down a bleak path. 

Pale is in now right? Vitamin deficiency for the win

I already feel isolated because the constant need to explain myself as to why i don't have the energy to do certain things or why i can't go out drinking. Recently with the heart episodes i'm afraid to drive. Rightfully so i could never forgive myself if i were to have one behind the wheel of a car and crash. With the hypersensitivity to lights as well it makes night driving a terror so i avoid it altogether. In doing so it seems that i have lost contact with a few people i thought were friends. People not understanding that i can't simply "drive on over" or "go out for a drink". 

Too tired and weak to stand so this is what i do at parties..

As to my other friends who i hear trying to downplay my illness or play it off as if this is somehow something i chose for myself thats not how a friend should act. I am hurt to hear that you find this somehow amusing to you that "i'm always sick". Believe it or not i'm not having a blast over here and honestly i'm not thrilled that i feel the need to "defend" my illness as if i need to prove how sick i am to you or something?

I feel as if i am a constant burden to my friends and that i'm slowing them down from how they want to live their life. 

I simply don't fit.

I didn't chose to have this. 

I miss going out with friends and staying up late.

I miss tequila, cake, or anything with sugar or gluten.

I miss having the energy to go to the gym.

I miss being in the woods.

I miss hiking.

The things that seem to keep me the most sane are the things that right now can hurt me the most. 

I'm tired physically and emotionally. I'm depressed and i feel more alone than ever.

This fucking sucks.